I've not been feeling great the last couple of days, and missed a workout the other day.  After a couple of days rest I am planning to get back to it today.  I still don't feel 100%, but I can't leave it any longer.

Francesca was out with Arthur and Ruby yesterday, Arthur forgot to take his medication..... whoa, suddenly we get a reminder of how things used to be, I don't think anyone can truly appreciate what its like to have a child with ADHD unless they spent a day trying to control one, the things he gets up to are unbelievable and almost evil.  If you didn't understand ADHD, or if there was no such diagnosis, then i could understand why other people would look at his behaviour and think he was just an awful child potentially with bad parents!

To get a vague idea of what it is like, imagine a toddler that can walk fast and run, that has full verbal communication, smart comments, and that cannot be put in a push chair, argues back all the time, and acts fully on impulse.  Heres a few of the behaviours witnessed yesterday:

Attempting to steal on numerous occasions
Lying about the attempts
Repeatedly doing things a security guard had told him not to
Hitting his mum's hand when having his hand held in an attempt to restrain him somewhat
Self admittedly causing extra reasons to hit his mum's hand because he was so frustrated
constantly arguing back
constantly ignoring commands
running off and looking at anything he chooses
climbing on/under anything in a store that he can

The relentlessness of his behaviours are so tiring, and when you throw a 4 month old baby in the mix it is NOT easy.  Arthur always regrets his behaviours and the end of the day, and often breaks down in tears crying "why do I do this, I am so stupid, I hate myself, I wish i could be reborn without ADHD".  We have to wipe the slate clean everyday, it would not be possible to dwell on his behaviours, if we did he would be constantly grounded and never have any food or something!

Now the really really hard part about all this is when you remind yourself that this is just a little boy, a 9 year old boy! he was born with his condition, and when you look back you can see it throughout his life.  The hard part about something like ADHD is that its not an obvious disability, he can walk, talk, he is very clever, and a very handsome boy.... people find it so hard to separate from that and see that what he has IS a disability.  No body would expect a blind child to read them a printed book, no one would expect a physically disabled child to do the 100m sprint, just because it is all in the brain with no immediately obvious outward sign, it is no different.  you cannot expect a child with ADHD to behave perfectly, nor can you punish him because of it.

BUT, here lies the difficultly, you shouldn't punish a child for doing something they really cannot help, but you must lead the way and teach them social rules.... if Arthur behaves the way he does when he is legally responsible for himself he will get in BIG trouble.  So we cannot simply ignore his behaviours, and he certainly doesn't take any notice of soft punishments or a good talking to!  The answer is to punish the major behaviours which must be curbed: stealing, hitting etc but the rest only need gentle guidance, and modification with an award system to reward positive behaviours. 


I'll come back to this at some point, and probably edit it a bit.

I have been thinking further about my bridge analogy, and there is more that can be added to it:

When friends argue, its like a storm has hit the bridge.  The bridge will suffer some damage depending upon the strength of the bridge and also depending upon the size of the storm.  Most importantly though, it can be fixed, and if both people work hard together it will be fixed sooner, and can even be made stronger in the process.

Secondly, you can have many bridges to many islands.... but with more bridges comes more time and maintenance.  Inevitably multiple bridges will not be as strong as a few good ones.

Anyway that's that.  I'm working from home today because I'm not feeling so hot, and twos hours of commuting is not appealing under that circumstance.  I am due a workout today and cannot decide what to do... if I do work out I know I will feel worse, but sometimes that's what is needed to get me through it faster.  Also I don't want to get lazy with it.

So my 9 year old stepson has ADHD, he was diagnosed about a year ago now and is now taking medication for it.  Since his diagnosis we have moved away from Liverpool where he has spent all of his school years.... he went through an enormous amount of difficulty, bullying and turmoil whilst undiagnosed and a fresh start was due.

Since taking his medication he has calmed down quite a lot, he is still very impulsive and clearly bears many an emotional scar from his previous years which has left him angry, short tempered and frustrated.  His biggest hurdle at the moment is socially.

A while ago now I decided to discuss with him how friendship works and I created the following analogy:

Imagine that you are an island, and all the people around you are other islands, there is a sea in between you. 
When you first meet someone you are starting the process of bridging the divide between you, the process is slow and requires some hard work. 
The first step is to throw a rope across, you must then begin to turn this into a rope bridge, this requires effort on both sides, some patience and cooperation.
Once the rope bridge is built, you have a link, the start of friendship.  the rope bridge isn't very strong, but over time you both work together to make it stronger. 
As you use the bridge more and spend more time on it, you can begin to upgrade the bridge into a wooden bridge, then a brick or even steel bridge. 
Bridges require maintenance however..... if you don't use the bridge it will rot, it needs frequent painting and repairing, the occasional storm might damage it but it can be fixed.
Some bridges you will like more than others, if both parties decorate the bridge in colours they both like, and you agree on how to decorate it then you will enjoy that bridge more.


This anaolgy seemed to work well, he understood it fine and even added his own extras to it.  Some days I would pick him up from school and he would be upset, he would then tell me that he had blown up a bridge by accident when he did something regrettable, and other days he would tell me of new bridges that he had made.

Yesterday he went to play with a local 'friend' and that 'friend' then told him how much he hated him, and how annoying he found him, great!  Unfortunately he still struggles with social rules and cannot get along easily with oither boys.  After a bit of thought I decided another talk was appropriate; it is so hard to sit there and essentially tell someone 'yes you do all these annoying things, heres how you need to try and behave'.  Its not his fault, and it must be so difficult for him.  I have watched how he plays, and his main issues stem from dominating the play, and being very selfish.... all the rules are his rules, all the games are his games.  So the talk went as follows:

What is more important.... having a bridge/friend, or playing a game by your rules only?  When you make a bridge you must remember that it is a shared link, you both use the bridge.  You will have to compromise on the bridge and perhaps paint parts of it a colour that you don't like, but is that so bad if you get to keep the bridge?  Also not only is the bridge for you to visit his island, but for him to visit yours.... if you don't share the bridge the the other person might just destroy it. 

He fully understood this and came back with "yer i suppose i could cope if he wanted to paint the bridge pink, even though I don't like pink, at least we have a bridge!"

The final point I needed to make to hime is that yes he does have ADHD, and he must remember that he is impulsive, often he will say something like "no lets do it my way" before he has even thought about it.... but he can always backtrack.... "sorry I didn't mean that, lets actually do it your way". 

I do hope some  of it sticks!